My life has changed since my last post

Dear Readers,

There is something very sad I need to tell you before I continue with my book reviews and discussions. My last post (on Hobbes’ Leviathan) was published August 8th. That Monday morning I just had to do some finishing touches on the post before clicking Publish. A little while later my life as I knew it came to a sudden and devastating halt. I found out that my 23-year old son Jesse had died in his sleep.

My worst nightmare has happened and I am still in deepest grief and shock. I expect I will be for a long time. If you have ever heard that grief comes in waves I can confirm it is true, in my case seismic waves with the power to knock me to the ground. The foundation of my life has crumbled and the shape of my life is shifting. I have no idea what it will look like a few months from now. I only know it will never be the same as before.

The day after it happened, a few hours after meeting with the funeral director, I wrote my son’s obituary. I couldn’t bear the thought of a stranger writing it. After that I thought I would never write anything again. But within a few days I was writing. I guess as long as a writer breaths, a writer writes. This is a book blog and will remain so.  But whatever I write and whatever I do, I expect it will be affected by the loss of my son. My perspective on the way I see life and its purpose  has already shifted and I think this is only the beginning.  I knew I would need to write a lot about Jesse so I started another site to journal about him and the experience of going through his death and it’s aftermath. In case you want to follow along with that, you can find the site here.

imageOn this blog I will continue writing about my favorite thing: books. I just couldn’t jump back into the routine without acknowledging and being honest about the death of my son. The next book I will be writing about is a 19th-century children’s book called The Princess and Curdie by George MacDonald. I began the book before Jesse died and finished it after.

I chose The Princess and Curdie because I had recently felt a sudden strong urge to read George MacDonald, which is strange on several levels. First because MacDonald’s writings introduced me into a new deeper understanding of the teachings of Christ…..almost as if I was being prepared for something. Why did I suddenly feel the urgency to read the stories and sermons of George MacDonald this summer? Second, as I began The Princess and Curdie I thought a lot about my son as a small child – how he used to love an animated version of MacDonald’s The Princess and the Goblin. I bought him the video because I had so loved that book as a child. My reading life has always been a spiritual journey for me and this confirms my belief that God and his angels have always been guiding me on my reading path.

princess and goblin

Jesse asked to watch this video over and over when he around 4 to 5 years old.

About JaneK

Blogger, illustrator, writer

Posted on August 27, 2016, in Childhood book memories, Reading Life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I am so sorry to read this, Carol. My heart aches for you.

  2. I’ve been on here a couple of times in the last few days wondering what anyone could possibly say. I like to think, as we live, we leave little pieces of ourselves in people we connect with and in things we do, and therefore part of Jesse will live on through the people he touched in his life. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers, Carol ……

  3. Thank you Ruth and Cleo. I am dealing with it the best I know how with the help of prayer and friends. I have a lot of comfort in the fact that my son lived such a sweet life – never hurt anyone, helped whomever he could, did his best with the gifts he had. I have inner assurance he is in a good place and that is the greatest blessing. I hesitated whether to talk about it on this blog but I found I couldn’t continue writing about books until I acknowledged this seismic change in my life.

  4. You are in my prayers. I was wondering why I have not received any posts from you. You crossed my mind a few times. I’m so sorry for your loss. I send you many warm hugs.

  5. We don’t know each other: I just followed a comment you left on Cleo’s blog. I didn’t want to leave without offering a word once I’d read this.

    Yet, there are no words. x

    • Thank you so much Jillian for coming by and leaving this kind comment. It’s true – there are no words but I have so appreciated the kind efforts to reach out from both friends and strangers. It is now just over three months since my son died, and I am beginning to see that life goes on. I am finding my way in my writing and reading life and have a few posts in development now for this blog. I should have something ready to publish in the next week. Writing is slower now but still happening.

  6. Carol, I was stunned to read this post. Came over to catch up and was shocked to learn of your tragic loss. I don’t have enough words to express my deep sorrow. I pray that your son’s soul is peacefully at rest and will also pray for your continued well-being.

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